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A little lost

March 8, 2008

I haven’t been able to stick to 1200 calories. Its easy enough on regular days, but I need a rest day (from the gym) once in a while and its impossible to eat so little then. I have upped myself to 1400. I am hoping that with heavy activity the caloric deficit will average itself out to a good number.

Last night I blew everything by having a glass of wine. Once I had a glass of wine I had four squares of dark chocolate. Then I had a bowl of berries and cream. Then I got into a knock-down, drag-out fight with my husband. I’m not sure why I have to prove these things to myself over and over again. Sugar destroys me from the inside out. It works quickly, from the inside out. First the mood worsens and then the abdomen expands. I am not quite sure what I am doing lately. I don’t know why I can’t just be an adult and stop testing my limits constantly. I feel better than before, and I can keep the bloating and distention under control. But I cannot lose anymore weight. My Tanita tells me that I gained two pounds but lost 3% of body fat. I think I am completely lost. I feel like a body on the fringe of science and nutrition, constantly. I never have an answer. I never find the solution. I think this is the feeling that spurs me on to evil experimentation; I don’t have any control over my body.

I am thinking of doing the Eades Protein-sparing modified fast, but I am not sure. For now I am sticking to induction carb grams and a high-quality protein shake for lunch. I bought a Polar F6 last night. It will be interesting to see how many calories I truly burn during activity.

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